First Heartbreak
by Anrheithwyr
Summary: It was the slippery road they walked, a road covered in ice, a road overtaken by fire so hot that only an angel might have been able to handle it, but Regulus Black and Peter Pettigrew were no angels, but rather two young men who seemed to give the world a raised finger in the way that young men in love always do.


_"And that's when I know it's over. As soon as you start thinking about the beginning, it's the end."- Junot Díaz_

"_I'm missing your bed  
I never sleep  
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,  
and this bottle of beast is taking me home  
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets  
but you're not alone, and you're not discreet  
make sure I know who's taking you home.  
I'm reading your note over again,  
there's not a word that I comprehend,  
except when you signed it  
"I will love you always and forever."  
As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs  
and sit alone and wonder  
How you're making out  
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone  
Making out."_

_-Dashboard Confessionals, "Screaming Infidelities"_

…

It was the slippery road they walked, a road covered in ice, a road overtaken by fire so hot that only an angel might have been able to handle it, but Regulus Black and Peter Pettigrew were no angels, but rather two young men who seemed to give the world a raised finger in the way that young men in love always do.

Two bottles of Butterbeer tinted with alcohol and a trip to the Astronomy Tower: that is how it had started, not with a bang or even a whimper, but with the promise of two bottles of Butterbeer tinted with alcohol and a nice time in the Astronomy Tower, to celebrate…

_To celebrate what?_ Regulus couldn't even remember anymore, because one bottle each had turned into two each and then five each and now he was so drunk that Regulus wouldn't have been able to find his way out of the Tower if someone had been holding his hand and assisting him at every step.

Peter was lying on the stone a few feet away, giggling about something, "home _rem-e-dies_", he kept mumbling in lilting tones, and Regulus tried to roll over to ask him what was so funny about the word remedy, but then he got to muttering it to himself as well, and suddenly it _did _seem like a rather amusing word after all.

"Are we drunk?" Peter asked a few minutes later, trying to prop himself up on one elbow, but finding it to be harder than expected, his vision hazy, and the world blurry. "Did we drink too much, Reg? How much did we drink? I think it might have been too much," he groaned and then laughed, giving Regulus a pained look as he did so, "_heh_, Reg, it hurts. I can't stop laughing, but it _hurts_."

"You're an idiot, you know that, Pete?" Regulus replied, gazing lazily up at the roof of the Tower, wondering if he would be able to see the stars if they took the top off, or if the stars were too far away right now to be seen properly.

"Least I'm not a twat, like you, _Reggie_," Peter said and then fell over laughing, his breath smelling of alcohol and Chocolate Frogs, the kind of smell that made Regulus want to kiss the Gryffindor and also scour his mouth until it was clean.

Regulus propped himself up on one elbow, glancing down at the blond boy he had unintentionally fallen in love over the past few months; he had not meant to see this boy, this Gryffindor, as anything more than one of his annoying older brother's classmates, but now…

"What are you thinking about, Reg?" Peter asked in a quieted voice, shifting his body so that he was facing the young Slytherin. "What's going on in that ridiculous head of yours? You know, I always _did _say you think too much. You're like…like…who're you like, Reg?"

"Couldn't tell you, Pete, I really couldn't," Regulus mumbled, now sitting up, looking down at the drunken blond, who was struggling to push himself off of the floor, staring down at the cold stones like they were eluding him in some way. "You okay? You need some help?"

"Nah, I'm fine," Peter replied, letting out another small burst of laughing, nearly tumbling over once more even as he was pushing himself upwards, leaning against the walls of the Astronomy Tower, his laughter growing weak as he rested. "Hey, did you know your brother's joining that…that thing…the thing, the, uh, the…the_ Order_, that's what it is, the Order of the Phoenix?"

Peter was grinning, as though trying to convey how ridiculous that all sounded, but Regulus was trying to squash down the panic he felt inside. _The Order of the Phoenix?_ Regulus knew about them, knew what they stood for, and he knew what he would soon enough be called upon to do to people who fought on _that _side of the war.

"Did you know…did you know, they're all joining? Yeah, Sirius and Remus and James and…and Lily. They're joining the Order, and they've talked me into joining as well. Did you know that, Regulus? I'm gonna be," he giggled drunkenly, leaning forward, his breath warm in Regulus' face, "an Order Member within a month. _And _a Death Eater."

"What?" Regulus cried, recoiling with shock, wishing he could have some water to splash himself with, in case this was all just a dream.

"Yeah, can you believe it? L-Lucius Malfoy," he let out a small hiccup, "asked me over Easter holidays, by letter. Said he had h-heard I was…was joining the Order after graduation, an' he wanted to know if I was interested in bein' a…double agent? Thas's what he called it, and I dunno, he was talking a-about glory and honour and making the…the _right _choice, and what could I say? Except y-yes, you know? Lucius Malfoy, now _there's _a man with a silver tongue."

"Peter, do you realise what you've just told me?" Regulus asked angrily, jumping to his feet. "You're a spy, a mole, you're working for _both _sides! If anyone were to find out, you'd be killed, for Merlin's sake! Fighting against friends, fighting _with _foes! What if they ask you to kill my brother, or that Mudblood, Evans? What if they ask you to kill _me_?"

"But…but…"Peter was at a loss for words, staring up at Regulus blindly, drunkenly, stammering as he tried to formulate an answer. Regulus' head was pounding, and not just from the drinks they had consumed. "Duty, he said. _Honour_. Glory, a chance to make a name for myself, that's what L-Lucius told me. He said…he said people would fear me, that they would listen to me, and that they would _respect _me for the first time in my life. Isn't that great, Reg?"

"Not if it means you're spilling secrets, Pete. Not if it means I can't talk to you without concern that you'll be running to one of your two Masters to tell them every dirty little detail. Especially not if it means I could look up one day to see your wand striking my brother down in one instance only to turn and hit me in the next," Regulus said, glowering at the blond boy.

"You don't trust me," Pete said, brow furrowing, "you don't trust me. You think I'm dumb and useless, like all the others. Not _good _enough for the likes of Regulus Black, am I?"

"Pete-"

"Fine. I'm not good enough for you, that's _fine_, Reg. _fuck _you, that's fine, you goddamn asshole, see if I give a flying fuck! You'll see, I'll be famous! I'll be remembered! People will whisper _my _name in reverence, and they will respect me, even if you won't!" Peter cried, a bottle of Butterbeer now held loosely in his fingers as Peter stumbled closer to Regulus, who was putting his hands up defensively, as though to shield off an attack.

"Pete, please, I didn't mean it like that, I didn't me-"

He crumpled to the stone ground, eyes almost closed, head groggy, Butterbeer trickling down the side of his head, mixed with blood, as Peter Pettigrew climbed over Regulus and over to his school bag, grumbling quietly to himself.

"Pete, please, what are you doing? Think about this, think about how the others will think when they find out about you," Regulus begged, but Peter turned around, a blank look on his face as he held up his wand, pointing it at Regulus' face.

"Who's going to tell them, Regulus? Who's going to spill about me? Because you certainly won't be, I can promise you that, Reg." Peter had no emotion in his voice, and Regulus was about to cry out when Peter whispered, "_Obliviate_," and all went dark.

…

When Regulus woke up the next morning, dazed and confused, smelling of cheap Butterbeer and something else, Peter was gone, his disappearance only marred by a small piece of parchment marking the words

_I'm sorry, but what we had simply just isn't enough anymore. I didn't want to be a heartbreaker, but…_

_Just try to not be too late for class, okay?_

_P_

in Peter's scribbling hand, looking rushed and frantic, as though a piece ripped from a textbook and hastily scribbled on while the seventeen year old Gryffindor hurried away from Regulus, away from the boy who he had said _I love you_ to only hours before.

_(_Where were the _I love you_s now?_)_

…

They met again on the battlefield, two ex-lovers, with wands outstretched, the taller one glaring at the man who had once been his companion, turning away until the blond yelled out "_Reg!_", bringing back memories of stolen kisses and longing looks and the dull thud of a distant recollection, long buried or possibly hidden away just out of reach.

…

"What the fuck are you doing here, Peter?" Regulus asked incredulously, taking in the blond's haggard look as he tugged off the mask that marked him as a Death Eater. "Why aren't you running around with my moron of a brother, screaming of justice and equality? Why aren't you perched in Dumbledore's lap?"

"I've been looking for you everywhere!" Peter yelled, pulling Regulus behind a pile of burnt up logs, looking over his shoulder at the mass of people fighting, lights exploding all around them, spells mixed with screams and begs of mercy. "I've been looking for you since..._well_, since we broke up, I guess, but you've been avoiding me for almost two years."

"And with good reason, I should think, Peter," Regulus replied, eyes sweeping up and down at the sight of his ex-boyfriend's uniform. He seemed half-Order, half-Death Eater, as though unsure of which side he fought for. "Why on earth are you dressed like that? Shouldn't you be fighting with your noble Gryffindors?"

"I'm not just an Order member, Reg, I'm a Death Eater," Peter said shortly, and it was like something clicked in Regulus' head, memories uncurling in his mind, memories of what had happened up in the Astronomy Tower, which had been so much more than just a first heartbreak. "I've been one longer than you have, Reg."

"You lied to me." Regulus' breath came heavy and short, and he had a sudden desire to choke the life out of the man who stood before him. "You lied to me and changed my memories and _manipulated _me like a goddamn child who couldn't be trusted."

"I thought you were going to run off and tell someone! I had to keep you quiet somehow!" Peter yelled, though he seemed frightened by Regulus.

"By erasing my memories? By lying to me and breaking up with me and giving me that same shit line, _it's not you, it's me_? Are you fucking kidding me, Pete?" Regulus demanded, wand in hand, ready to strike at any moment.  
"Reg, just listen to me for a second, would you? I only did what I felt was necessary at the time, I swear, or else I would have left you alo-"

"Just go away, Peter!" Regulus yelled, shoving the shorter male away from him, dark eyes boring deep holes into the Gryffindor. "No one _likes _you anyway, no one _wants _you here, least of all me! All you are is some slimy worm that's good for absolute_ shit_!

"Reg, I said I'm sorry and I really _did _mean it," Peter began, but Regulus had already gotten to his feet, hands held up to silence the person he had once considered to be someone he loved. "Reg, we were in _love_, weren't we? _Weren't we, Reg_? Or was our relationship just one the many fantasies you let me live in, because, what, it was all so goddamn funny to watch me fall in love with you and start to trust you and…"

"Trust _me_? You started to _trust me_, is that what you just said, Peter? You absolute _arse_, if there was ever anyone who couldn't be trusted, it is _you_. You, who betrayed me, who betrayed your friends, who betrayed all of these people who _you _said were the most important to you in life, the ones you would _die _for!"

"Oh, right, because you've _every _goddamn right to be so high and mighty, don't you, Regulus? As though you aren't a Death Eater with just as much blood on your hands as I have?" Peter's chest was heaving as he spoke, his breath coming out in pants as his face ran red, and he looked mere seconds away from attempting to curse Regulus into oblivion, if he had been able to manage such a feat.

"I _do _have every right, because one of us was _always _going to be a Death Eater, Peter! I had no choice but to sign up and follow the bloody _Dark Lord_, or have my head removed like one of my mother's prized house elves! But you? _You?! _You had the choice to do the right thing here, Peter, to join the right side, the correct side, the side that isn't full of dumb fucks with the idea that they'll be making a difference in the world by slitting open some twelve year old who doesn't even know how to hold a wand properly. You had a choice, and you picked the wrong _side_, you goddamn arse!"

"I had a _choice_?" Peter scoffed, and Regulus had to restrain himself from clocking the shorter male right then and there. "You had as much a choice as I did, Regulus. I can walk away from all of this _shit_, and so can you at any moment you choose to do so. Don't act like you're stuck here with the rest of us, what was it, _dumb fucks_, because if you wanted to leave, if you _really _wanted to leave, Regulus," Peter's voice grew dark, his brow furrowing, "you would have _left_, instead of confronting me to call me on the same sort of shit you're pulling right now!"

"Just. Go. Away. Do you hear me, Peter? Go the hell away! In fact, go straight _to _hell, see if I care! We were going to _do _something, don't you remember that, Peter? Remember, up in the Astronomy Tower? You were eighteen, and I had just turned seventeen, and you got me drunk as shit and told me we were going to do _something, _anything, with our lives when we graduated? And what the hell are we now, Peter?" He waved a hand up and down, and Peter scowled, fingers wrapped around the wand in his robe pocket. "A couple of dumbass Death Eaters who kill people in the name of blood purity? And to think, I actually _loved _you once."

That, more than anything else, made Peter stop, gaping at Regulus, who had not said "I love you" in any sense of the way in almost two and a half years, ever since Peter had graduated and expected to leave Regulus and all romantic ties to the young Black heir far behind him.

"And what now, Peter? What now? Am I supposed to kill you? Am I supposed to forgive you? Walk away and pretend like it never happened? What are we going to do now, Peter, tell me that, because there's a war going on, and I need to know how the fuck this is all going to work out," Regulus said angrily, fingers curling in anticipation.

"Now?" Peter repeated, giving Regulus a dazed look. "Now, I leave and you keep fighting, I suppose, like the good little Death Eater you are." He started to walk off, and Regulus lunged forward, meaning to strike, but Peter only turned and mumbled, "_Stupefy!" _and then, with a look that was almost regret, "_Obliviate_," before walking away for the last time.

…

They would never see each other again, at least not face to face. Regulus was dead within six months, and Peter began receiving his special orders from the Dark Lord himself concerning a particular prophecy. And one of them never did quite remember the secrets he had uncovered, the lies and the dark horrors he had learned.

But the other one? He could never quite forget, no matter what he did. Because you never forget the first person you loved. And you never forget that first heartbreak, either. Especially when it is all because of you and the mistakes you have made.


End file.
